Ever since I can remember I have been different from other people. When I was little I would cry for hours because I was afraid to die. I could also sense things that to a logical person makes no since at all but it did to me. When I would be out of bed talking to my sister, I would know when my parents were going to come into the room before they ever did. I would get goose bumps and my hair would stand up. My ears would start rings very loud. Then I would run and jump into my bed and pretend to sleep. Sure enough one of them would come into our room and check on us. It never failed. Every time they were going to come in I would just know.
Growing up I was a very quiet child. I would never speak to anyone. I felt distant from society. I was always bombarded with emotions from the world. My feeling would get hurt so easily. I would come home in tears and be hysterical. I just never fit in with normal kids. I hated it. I always wanted to fit in and be normal like everyone else. I never had real friends either. I just had these people that I called friends that I couldn’t trust. It took me years before I could ever even attempt to trust anyone.
I am going to be twenty-one soon. Time has flown by. Most of my life I was never really there. I was somewhere else far away inside myself curled up into a little ball hiding from the world. I have gotten better but I still am not in this world most of the time. I see my body as merely a shell, something that protects the person hiding inside. I am so distant from society. My perception of the world to some would seem blurred and illogical but to me it just seems true. Half of my day I am in this huge empty room that is dark and no sounds can come into this place. I leave the world I was born into and hide from everyone. It’s like I zone out and from my perception it looks like everything get’s farther and farther away. It is like I am getting pulled inside of myself. I find peace in this place. Sometimes it seems like hours have gone by when I am in my little world when in reality only a few minutes have passed.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to leave my protective shell. It is nice to have when everything outside of myself get’s too hard to deal with. I like to be able to come and go as I please. A perfect example of me is a turtle because they can hide inside of themselves. They can do this physically whereas I can do it mentally. I feel so detached from reality and everyday life. Most of the time I pretend to act so people will like me and not think that I am weird. It’s all a show and I have learned to put on a pretty good act as I have gotten older. I sit and watch people walk by and I know they are lost and are just going with the flow of life. It’s easier to ride along and pretend to be happy when in fact if feels like your world is falling down all around you. People try so hard to be in control of their life. Why? I believe that once you are able to let go of the world we call our own and fall into yourself you become free mentally and spiritually. I hope one day I can come to the surface more often than I do now. Every time I blink my day is over and it is time to sleep and then wake up and do it all over again. I just want to wake up and be more aware of my life. I hope I can learn to be happy with myself. I know what I have is a gift. I have the ability to feel the world on a deeper level then most people. I have a unique mind and I want to learn to use it to lift the curtain of reality and show people something new that has been with us as long as the universe has been around. I want to teach people to let go of themselves because that is the altement freedom.